My newborn baby is sick...and it’s all my fault

In my workplace the word ‘waterbirth’ is usually preceded by an expletive. Paediatricians don’t like them. Too many babies swallow water and end up in incubators.

Of course water can greatly help with pain relief for mum and so on. And yes most midwives sell it as ‘natural’; I was even told I was wrong to doubt the method by our attending midwife – “it’s completely safe”.

But midwives are not there to pick up the pieces when babies get sick. They don’t see and feel the consequences.

In my day job, I do.

And so into hospital we go for our third baby.

Yes a home birth of course was out of the question. But a waterbirth? I was less resolute. I hadn’t even discussed any reservations I may have had with my wife. After all…

Why should I medicalise everything when I’m there to be dad not doc?

Our friends have had waterbirths and it’s all been ok.

My wife would benefit from the pain relief, so I’d be mean to stop her.

The midwives seem so confident.

And so into the water we went.

And then it happened.

‘It’ was born. And ‘it’ was a boy! But he looked bluer than I’d expect. And his breathing was more rattly than I’d anticipate. And as time went on his breathing got faster. And faster. And faster.

My colleague came to see him. She wanted to take him away. I tried to suggest that he was just tired from being passed around. She disagreed. Being more senior than her I was tempted to overrule her. Surely he can’t have an infection!

And then I saw it - the chest x-ray – and it looked pretty horrible.

He’d aspirated some water onto his lungs!

 

I sensed a hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Which didn’t go away while he was being jabbed several times.

Or while his stomach was upset from the antibiotics.

And that’s just here and now. What about the long-term effects on a baby’s lungs from early pneumonia and on his gut from the antibiotic course?

I could have prevented it.

I feel so stupid.

So….guilty.

 

Dealing with Guilt

So how do you deal with guilt?

How do you deal with the feeling that you could have prevented harm to your child?

Well of course my guilt might be false guilt – that actually I haven’t made a mistake and shouldn’t blame myself. And that may be a valid argument here for the reasons I mention above.

But what if the guilt is real? The kind of guilt that so many people live with?

Bad decisions.

Neglect.

A moment of madness when someone strikes their child.

Or a child that has been injured - or even more terribly, died - on their watch.

And you feel like it is all your fault.

How do you live with that?

It can be paralysing. It can haunt people for the rest of their lives.

For some the self-loathing goes so deep that they harm or even commit suicide.

Because they can’t forgive themselves.

For sure, my situation is not anyway near as bad as that. But the issues is still there.

And you know what, it was here that I was reminded of the uniqueness of the Christian faith.

Not a faith that tells me that I’m not responsible for anything, or to blame someone else.

Not a faith that tells me maybe it was ‘fate’ that I cannot control.

Not a faith that says that overall I’m a good person and even good people make mistakes.

No.

 

This is a faith that tells me that there is a supreme being – God - who is in control of every event in my life, both good and bad.

That nothing that happens couldn’t have been prevented by Him.

That He has a purpose even in the suffering.

A God who has been making my baby for 9 months and cares for Him more than I do.

And God’s word, the Bible, tells me that I am guilty as charged on all counts.

I don’t love God as I should.

I try and rule my own life.

I try to save myself.

And I make mistake after mistake after mistake.

The good news is that I can forgive myself, because God has forgiven me.

The good news is that on the cross Jesus died for every wrong I’ve ever committed.

I can be free of guilt, because He who was not guilty became guilty for me so that I can be acquitted of all charges and live a free life.

You know what? As I thought about this, as I prayed, I can say for sure that the feelings of guilt have gone. For someone like me who finds it hard to get out of negative thought cycles this is amazing and I thank God for that.

Well so far there’s a happy ending. He’s getting better now. And I can’t wait for him to be home soon.

Let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience. (Hebrews 10: 22)

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Frozen – why we shouldn’t just Let It Go

In the months since Frozen was released I have not heard one person sound a cautionary note. Not one.

In fact, most people I know love it. Their kids love it.

So what I am about to say means I am either mad, or fast becoming the odd one out. This may put me at serious odds with my best friends.

There are many great themes in this movie, of family values and even, some argue, a Christian allegory of self-sacrificing love.

Despite not having watched the film, my 5 and 3 year old often belt out the signature tune ‘Let it Go’ from the top of their lungs. It sounds like a catchy tune.

It sounds, well, harmless.

Right?

Let’s take a look at some of the lyrics:

“It's time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me I'm free!

Let it go, let it go
I am one with the wind and sky
Let it go, let it go
You'll never see me cry!

Here I stand
And here I'll stay
Let the storm rage on!

My power flurries through the air into the ground
My soul is spiralling in frozen fractals all around”

Writer(s): Kristen Anderson-Lopez, Emanuel Kiriakou, Robert J. Lopez
Copyright: Wonderland Music Company Inc., Walt Disney Music Company

Gods of our Culture

In the words above, we see 3 gods of our culture espoused:

1) Autonomy above all

‘No right, no wrong, no rules for me I’m free’.

Our secular culture indoctrinates us and our kids to believe that my autonomy is the most important and valuable thing I can seek.

Indeed, it is more important than my responsibilities if it means I find satisfaction, to ‘be who I am’, free of people suppressing my inner power and creativity.

This is the creed of our culture.

We see it all around us.

And we see it in this cute kid’s movie and theme tune that my 3 year old sings.

The Bible on the other hand teaches us that responsibility is more important. Our actions will always impact others, and rather than looking to our own needs, we can teach our kids to put the needs of others first (Philippians 2:4).

2) New Age ideas

‘I am one with the wind and sky’.

This is an increasingly popular belief; that humans are co-creators, God-like, inherently good and one and the same with creation. The language of the New Age is all over Frozen – ‘energy’, ‘oneness’, ‘harmony’, ‘potential’, ‘cleansing’ and ‘consciousness’.

By contrast, the Bible says we are created beings made in God’s image made to glorify him and enjoy his creation rather than be mastered by it (Genesis 1:26-27; 2:15; Isaiah 44:24).

3) You are powerful

‘My power flurries through the air’

The message ‘you are powerful’ screams at us through TV adverts. ‘Impossible Is Nothing’, ‘Just Do It’, ‘We Do It Your Way’, ‘Because I’m Worth It’, ‘Power For Your Control’ etc etc (extra points if you can remember which product these match to*).

Of course, we need to teach our kids that yes, they are powerful. That they can do damage unless they learn to be responsible with their words and possessions.

But our culture takes this too far. We are telling our kids they can do anything - the reality is we are finite human beings who need to depend on the power of our creator and sustainer rather than elevate ourselves to the position of God himself.

Big eyes, small waists

So in addition to the women with impossibly large eyes, small waists and perfect make-up which distorts my daughters view of how she should look, this film gives us a song that captures a world-view advocated by Frozen which should concern Christians.

It’s not working

These cultural creeds are not harmless.

They are at the centre of the degradation of our culture, the undermining of marriage and stable families, broken friendships, shattered dreams.

Our kids need to know it’s not all cute and cuddly and happily ever after, but that it’s a worldview leads away from Jesus to elevate themselves as their own god.

And it’s not working.

I’m not an advocate of making our kids into social misfits who don’t fit in.

What I am saying is that we need discernment.

We need to have our eyes open to the propaganda all around us churned out by our cultural leaders (i.e. the media, advertisers and filmmakers) who want our kids to believe something.

So how can we do this? Here’s some ideas

1) Ask yourself questions

Such as:

What messages does this film/song want me and my kids to believe?

What truth do I see in the Bible that confronts these messages?

Am I keeping my edge, believing that I am meant to live as if my hope is in God rather than in all that our culture hopes for?

2) Ask your kids questions

Such as:

What do the words of the song mean?

Should we indulge our appetites and passions without regard for right and wrong as Elsa says?

What are the consequences of Elsa’s decisions for herself? For others?

What does the God have to say about this?

To do this we need to watch these films (preferably before they watch it and then with them).

We need to be ready to help explain what it is they are seeing, both the good parts (undoubtedly there are some good messages in this film) as well as the more worrying.

3) Point them to Christ

And we need to point them to Christ – the one who is all powerful, the One who created us for relationship with Him, and the One who does set rules of right and wrong for our benefit and happiness. Who calls us to give it all to Him, rather than let it go.

Don’t be duped

Let’s face it, our culture’s message to ‘Let it Go’ just isn’t working.

So let’s not let our kids be duped into thinking it is - just because their screen hero believes and sings it.

After all, our kids will only be duped if we are. 

*Adidas, Nike, Burger King, L’Oreal, Alfa Romea



Image credit Elsa from Frozen © Walt Disney
http://impala99.tumblr.com/

I got a parking ticket for being 5 minutes late. And it made me mad…

5 minutes late!

I couldn’t believe it. Coming out of the swimming pool with the kids I could see his hat above the cars. He can’t be can he?

But he was.

As the ticket was slapped on my car window I ran towards him with a pleading look on my face. ‘Come on mate. I’m only 5 minutes out, any chance you can give me a break?’

To cut a long story short, the answer was a firm ‘no’.

And I was mad.

Mad with myself.

Mad with the guy for being so pernickety.

Just 5 minutes! Why couldn’t he be reasonable? I’m not going to pay £50 for being 5 minutes late! I don’t deserve this! I could use that money for something for more important rather than line Swale County Council’s pockets! I’m going to appeal. And if they reject it, I’ll take it all the way. I’m a big man, and I can take on a small claims court!

To be fair, the guy was reasonable. He said to say in my appeal that I’d been held up in the pool and he’d put a word in for me.

Even so, I drove off in a rage. The kids didn’t know what had hit us!

But then, I stopped.

And I realised that I’m still learning some lessons.

 

I’m not a murderer, but…

As I considered my reaction, deep down I knew I was in the wrong.

However I think about it, I agreed to get back to my car by 14:58. I knew the rules, they were stated clearly. And arriving at 15:03, I was late. I’d missed the mark. Whether by 5 minutes or 5 hours I was in the wrong. And the penalty was the same.

And it made me think of the Gospel.

 

The Bible says that I’ve missed the mark. I’m not a bad person. I like to think that often I might have missed it by 5 minutes rather than a murderer’s 5 hours.

 

What is more, God’s law is far holier and important than Swale County Council’s! So much so, that the penalty for not hitting God’s mark is eternal separation from him, not just £50.

And it’s payable by all.

Unless, of course, someone pays it for us.

How grateful I am that Jesus has paid it for me!

 

I’m a specialist in self-justification

I am good at this. There’s always an excuse.

‘It wasn’t my fault’.

I’m a child of my culture, which specialises in telling me that it’s not my fault. To look for the culprit. In my case it was:

The kids being too slow.

The person blocking a cubicle.
The swimming pool clock that was fast.
The parking attendant was a jobsworth.

In fact, I loved the attendant’s suggestion that I say I was delayed in the pool. That could be my way out! After all, it’s my first time visiting this place. I could put together a nicely worded letter outlining how I was delayed.

I wouldn’t even need to lie, I could just be economical with the truth. And it could save me £50.

Surely it’s worth it?

My ‘It’s not my fault’ reaction also applies to my relationship with God. When I’ve done wrong I’ve got the excuses lined up:

I was tired.

She antagonised me.
He started it.

The bottom line is, it is my responsibility. In my life, if I don’t hit the mark, then the responsibility is mine, and so the punishment is just.

If I’m tempted to be economical with the truth here, then what does it say about what I’m prepared to do before God?

But God cannot be mocked. He is watching.

How much better is it for me to lose £50 than to lie and grieve God, who has given everything to save me?

I hate being exposed for being wrong

I hate it. I hate someone saying that I’ve done something wrong. I’ll rage, I’ll rant and I’ll try and cover it up. Because it’s embarrassing.

Why? Because I’m respectable. Because I’m capable and together. I’m a church leader for goodness sake! I have an image to maintain here!

But of course, I get things wrong just like anyone. The fact is, some of us are better at hiding it than others.

When we do wrong in secret – looking at some porn, a white lie no-one will notice and so on – it can be tempting to think ‘I’m ok. No-one can see. It doesn’t do any harm’.

But it is destructive.

It gives us false security.
Because God knows.

And because we not only deceive ourselves, but others too. In the end it will destroy our relationships and even entire church communities.

How many of us are willing to be open with our weaknesses?

How many of us can handle being wrong and ask for forgiveness?

I believe that the depth of our communal relationships would be transformed overnight if we were more open, honest and vulnerable with each other.

If we repented of our pride and pointed to our desperate need for Christ rather than our respectable, capable, knowledgeable selves.

 

You know the funny thing? When I went to pay my fine the computer hasn’t even registered it!

The irony…

 

 

 

Good advice: 4 things I learnt from a single mum with 4 kids

Are there conversations from years ago that you can recall even now?

What is it about them that makes them stand out?

15 years ago I was and about to go to medical school. One Sunday at church I was stopped by a lady. After a high flying academic career she was then bringing up 4 children under 5 by herself after losing her husband in tragic circumstances.

I remember her looking me in the eye and saying:

“John, when you go to medical school, will you commit to spending as much time studying the Bible as you do studying medicine? Your medicine is important. But being a doctor to souls will be just as important for you. Will you do that?”

I still remember it to this day. Word for word.

I confess that I didn’t do a great job. Yes I worked hard at uni, but I didn’t match it with Bible study. Or anyway near.

Perhaps the irony is that today I split my time 50:50 between my medical work and my church work – this was not pre-planned, but I know in God’s sense of humour that perhaps this was more a prophecy than simple advice!

So what has this taught me about giving advice?

1)      Speak boldly into people’s lives

I think about what this lady said to me often. I know that God was using her to speak to me about something, and it’s had a profound impact on me and the way I see life.

And we can do the same.

Do we believe that a single sentence from our mouth can change the course of history, even the course of eternity for someone we may speak to today?

That is what God’s Word does.

We must be ready to be bold. To risk rejection. To risk ‘getting it wrong’.

Because when it is right, God can use you to change someone’s story.

2)      Believe God can use you single mums

Ok, so I confess this subheading is an attention-grabber. Of course God can use us all - single, married, parents or otherwise.

The point is, you may feel that you are not much use in God’s kingdom.

Perhaps you used to feel that but now you feel you’re tied up - maybe with 4 kids, or family responsibilities, or illness. You feel out of the front line, that your day has gone. Or perhaps it’s yet to come in the first place!

But see how God used this lady in my life!? She didn’t resign herself to insignificance. She faithfully did what God gave her to do.

So trust God can use you.

He will probably use you more significantly in difficult times than when you feel you’re ideally positioned to be used!

3)      Advice: a dish best served face to face

Where do you get advice from? We seem to read or listen to hundreds of pieces of advice a day via blogs, articles, Twitter feeds, text messages or Facebook posts. But how much do we remember?

Of course, we can remember quite a bit. And of course God can speak to us via a computer.

But 15 years on I can still remember where we were and how I was feeling. I remember this lady looking me in the eye. I remember feeling a bit daunted. I can feel it, even now.

When we communicate via computers we can forget that people are spiritual beings. Consequently we can be more flippant, critical and freer with our words, not realising we are having an effect on the eternal destinies of those we communicate with.

So let me encourage you, when you have a word to speak into someone’s life, do it face to face if you can.

4)      Say thank you

At a wedding recently I saw this lady for the first time in at least 7 years.

As I told her about what I’m up to, I noted my eyes were filling with tears. I was understanding the effect of her words in my life as I spoke.

The impact she has had on me has been immeasurable. I am so thankful that she stepped out in faith and spoke those words to me all those years ago.

And I had the privilege of being able to encourage her.

With words that sum up what I still feel today:

‘Thank you’.

How about you?

What have you learnt from giving/receiving advice?

Hypocritical Christians

A friend said to me that the reason he left the faith was because of ‘all those hypocritical Christians’. I found it sad to hear. Because I kind of know what he meant.

Why did he say this?

Why doesn’t the radical Gospel we read of in the Bible produce radical, committed Christians who not only talk the talk but walk the walk?

 

Hopes and Dreams

Simon Guillebaud is a missionary from Burundi, Central Africa, and he recently spoke in Canterbury. And he said something that  really struck me. It went something like this:

‘People in your street, in your workplace, in your friendship group have hopes and dreams. They mark these by the way they dress, what they spend their money on and how they spend their time. Christian - when you look the same as them – when you have the same house, same car, same clothes, same holidays, same topics of conversation – they assume that you share their hopes and dreams. They assume you are ‘one of them’.

And of course he is right. Many of us, me included, often desperately try not to stand out from the crowd.
Because it attracts attention. It attracts criticism. I might be seen as being too keen, or that I am judging others by trying to be better than them.

And yet it must be true in our ever increasingly secular culture that if we believe the Word of God and put it into practice, that is, if our hope is that our home is not in this world but above, that our riches are not on this earth but in heaven, that our approval comes from God and not from man –then we WILL look different.

Very different.

 

My inspiration

I know a Christian leader who has had the jobs and social standing to obtain all the ingredients for a successful life – the detached home, new 3 piece suite, impressive wardrobe, plasma screen, new car, nice holidays etc. And I’ve heard him preach numerous times. I confess I can remember little, but I do remember that he preaches about giving sacrificially – giving until it hurts.

And you know what, his life choices just scream agreement with what he believes. His house is far from luxurious. It is clear he must give a huge proportion of his income away. He doesn’t mention any of this, I’ve happened to see it. His walking the walk is the most POWERFUL message his life speaks to me. Because I know he is living a costly life. Money has not corrupted him. Societal pressure has not moulded him. Contempt from his peers has not daunted him.

And so when he speaks, I listen.

Because I know he believes it.

Do you inspire others?

Can you say the same? Or are you syncretistic and mix Christianity with materialism as much as the archetypal African tribal person mixes faith with ancestor worship?

Are you making committed, sacrificial, passionate disciples of Jesus?
 

Can your kids see that you really believe the gospel or do they see it as a nice add-on which gives a sense of security and a nice group of friends?
 

Are you ready for the cost? In the UK it is often social - it might mean uncomfortable pauses – ‘Oh, so you live there’…! Your holidays might not be as exciting; your home furnishings might not fit with your social standing; you may feel like an alien and a stranger whose home is not on this earth (hold on a minute….!).

The Facebook mirror

So if you confess to be a Christian – look at your Facebook posts over the last month. Look at your Tweets. Recall your workplace conversations. Look at your bank statement.

And be honest with yourself.

Does it match up with what who I say I am? Does your life demonstrate what you hope for? Does it provoke questions?

Because if it doesn’t, then something has gone terribly wrong. Jesus died to give us life. The most exciting, fruitful life comes from following Him wholeheartedly, unreservedly, putting your trust not in security that this world offers but in Christ.

If your security comes from these other things, in particular the approval of man, then no wonder you feel your Christian life is boring, lifeless and lacking reality.

 

Our example

Let me say that I need help in this area. Lots of it.

So let’s ask God to help us.

To forgive us for being hypocritical Christians. For saying our hope is in Christ but living as if our hope was the same as everyone else’s.

To follow the example of Christ who “For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God” (Hebrew 12:2).

And let’s ask Him to help us step out in faith and show with our words and energy and money and time and attitude that we are in a new community, a new Kingdom, a new reality where wholehearted discipleship replaces lukewarm apathy.

And then let’s enjoy the blessings that God promises for those who give their all to follow him.

 

What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things”. Phil 3:8

Chris Froome's Biblical Secret to Success

After imperiously winning the Tour de France last year, I along with many others have wondered just how Chris Froome did it. Deep down we’re all desperately hoping he’s not another Lance Armstrong!

 

And so with this year’s TDF coming around again I recently read Froome’s autobiography to try and find out just how he did it.

 

Overall it is an entertaining read and a great insight into the life of a professional cyclist. But for me, this paragraph seemed to stick out a mile:

 

‘…back in Nairobi I joined old friends…for parties and nights out. Being teenagers, and fairly affluent, my friends were drinking and smoking joints. I mentioned the nights out to Kinjah (his cycling mentor) and he was not at all impressed. I was surprised at how strict and stern he was with me. That was not the way to go, he said. It definitely made an impact with me. I realised I couldn’t live fully in both worlds. I would have to choose. Being a good sufferer on the bike, the choice was easy (p51)’.

Later on he describes his training rides whilst at boarding school in South Africa; every day he snuck out at 5am into the freezing cold to do a 3 hour training ride with his mate Matt. Yes - every day of the week!

‘As we ride, the air pushes against us and bumps us about. My lips are cracked from the cold…it’s like being dipped in frost. I shiver and shudder down the slope of long dark hills. It’s love though. Every ache and chill. Me and my Colnago and these hills. In love, everybody hurts. If you are serious about bikes and hills, it hurts (p58)’.

This discipline, this single-mindedness is phenomenal. Froome understands that to succeed in this relationship with his bike it requires his all. It means suffering. It means sacrifice. It means discipline.

But as he says later:

‘I found that from the pain came satisfaction, from the suffering, joy’ (p61).

What a challenge that is! Froome is in love with the suffering on his training rides. And he says that the joy of a stage win, and ultimately his glorious Tour de France win, makes it all worthwhile.

In fact, his writing could almost be taken from the Bible:

‘More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope…’ (Romans 5:3-4)

This almost-religious language that Froome uses got me thinking.

Can I say the same about my relationship with Jesus?

Will I single-mindedly set aside my comfort and distractions (both unhealthy and healthy) to pursue him?
Even if it means early mornings?
Even if it hurts?
Even if it means sacrifice?

There’s something inside us, and I believe it is God-given, that knows that real joy comes through sacrifice, endurance and suffering.

That is the Gospel.

That is the call to each who trusts in Christ.
There is no easy ride...that is not how God has designed it.

And yet I find myself looking for the easy ride.

I look to side-step the training.
Because it’s hard.
Because it hurts.
Because it’s costly.
Because choosing to live fully in God’s will comes at a price.
Because unlike Froome, I don’t suffer easily.

And yet the joy of finishing this race will mean it is all worthwhile. We find the ultimate inspiration, the guarantee of a glorious finish, by looking at Jesus himself:

‘Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God’. (Hebrews 12:1-2)

At the end of my earthly race, which has a prize far greater than the Yellow Jersey, I hope that I will be able to say with the apostle Paul:

“I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith” (2 Timothy 4:7)

 

 

Dear Grandad and Grandma…I’m not coming to your party…and it’s all your fault

 

Dear Grandad and Grandma

So, 60 years of marriage! Congratulations. What a milestone to be celebrating!

I trust you will have a great celebration this weekend surrounded by family and friends. I am sorry I’m not there to celebrate with you. I’m going to be in Burma working with some amazing young Burmese who are being trained to provide medical care to one of the most neglected people groups in the world.

And you know what… it’s all your fault!

Growing up I loved hearing about your time overseas. That you would give up security, comfort and career to live in difficult places to reach the least; and yes, I guess you missed a few family gatherings too!

As I heard about your exploits from Mum and Dad, as I looked at the wooden giraffe you bought back for me when I was just 6, a seed was planted in me which has been growing ever since. A desire to do the same, and if I am even a fraction as faithful and successful then I will be very thankful.

You know, I never knew what the word posterity meant when I read it in the Bible.

Looking at you and your family, I now understand.

5 children, 13 grandchildren, and so far 5 great-grandchildren!

And yet, your posterity goes far beyond that; that your influence in the lives of each of us goes well beyond us into our workplaces and friendships. It infuses our lives; it affects the way we teach our children. It spreads throughout our country, north and south.

 

And now I’m seeing how it spreads beyond our borders to impact people all over the world, from Scotland to Burma to New Zealand and in the future to countless places and more importantly, countless lives.

So Grandad and Grandma, this weekend I am thankful for your prayers, I am grateful for your example; and I thank God for you being in my life.

Have a great party!

Every blessing

John

photo credit: Shutterstock