My newborn baby is sick...and it’s all my fault

In my workplace the word ‘waterbirth’ is usually preceded by an expletive. Paediatricians don’t like them. Too many babies swallow water and end up in incubators.

Of course water can greatly help with pain relief for mum and so on. And yes most midwives sell it as ‘natural’; I was even told I was wrong to doubt the method by our attending midwife – “it’s completely safe”.

But midwives are not there to pick up the pieces when babies get sick. They don’t see and feel the consequences.

In my day job, I do.

And so into hospital we go for our third baby.

Yes a home birth of course was out of the question. But a waterbirth? I was less resolute. I hadn’t even discussed any reservations I may have had with my wife. After all…

Why should I medicalise everything when I’m there to be dad not doc?

Our friends have had waterbirths and it’s all been ok.

My wife would benefit from the pain relief, so I’d be mean to stop her.

The midwives seem so confident.

And so into the water we went.

And then it happened.

‘It’ was born. And ‘it’ was a boy! But he looked bluer than I’d expect. And his breathing was more rattly than I’d anticipate. And as time went on his breathing got faster. And faster. And faster.

My colleague came to see him. She wanted to take him away. I tried to suggest that he was just tired from being passed around. She disagreed. Being more senior than her I was tempted to overrule her. Surely he can’t have an infection!

And then I saw it - the chest x-ray – and it looked pretty horrible.

He’d aspirated some water onto his lungs!

 

I sensed a hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Which didn’t go away while he was being jabbed several times.

Or while his stomach was upset from the antibiotics.

And that’s just here and now. What about the long-term effects on a baby’s lungs from early pneumonia and on his gut from the antibiotic course?

I could have prevented it.

I feel so stupid.

So….guilty.

 

Dealing with Guilt

So how do you deal with guilt?

How do you deal with the feeling that you could have prevented harm to your child?

Well of course my guilt might be false guilt – that actually I haven’t made a mistake and shouldn’t blame myself. And that may be a valid argument here for the reasons I mention above.

But what if the guilt is real? The kind of guilt that so many people live with?

Bad decisions.

Neglect.

A moment of madness when someone strikes their child.

Or a child that has been injured - or even more terribly, died - on their watch.

And you feel like it is all your fault.

How do you live with that?

It can be paralysing. It can haunt people for the rest of their lives.

For some the self-loathing goes so deep that they harm or even commit suicide.

Because they can’t forgive themselves.

For sure, my situation is not anyway near as bad as that. But the issues is still there.

And you know what, it was here that I was reminded of the uniqueness of the Christian faith.

Not a faith that tells me that I’m not responsible for anything, or to blame someone else.

Not a faith that tells me maybe it was ‘fate’ that I cannot control.

Not a faith that says that overall I’m a good person and even good people make mistakes.

No.

 

This is a faith that tells me that there is a supreme being – God - who is in control of every event in my life, both good and bad.

That nothing that happens couldn’t have been prevented by Him.

That He has a purpose even in the suffering.

A God who has been making my baby for 9 months and cares for Him more than I do.

And God’s word, the Bible, tells me that I am guilty as charged on all counts.

I don’t love God as I should.

I try and rule my own life.

I try to save myself.

And I make mistake after mistake after mistake.

The good news is that I can forgive myself, because God has forgiven me.

The good news is that on the cross Jesus died for every wrong I’ve ever committed.

I can be free of guilt, because He who was not guilty became guilty for me so that I can be acquitted of all charges and live a free life.

You know what? As I thought about this, as I prayed, I can say for sure that the feelings of guilt have gone. For someone like me who finds it hard to get out of negative thought cycles this is amazing and I thank God for that.

Well so far there’s a happy ending. He’s getting better now. And I can’t wait for him to be home soon.

Let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience. (Hebrews 10: 22)

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5 (Obscure) Ways To Disciple Young Children

There’s loads of parenting advice flying around the internet. Most, like in THIS article, is very helpful.

But so often it seems certain bits of advice are missing. That might be because I’m way off the mark, but I’ve personally found these 5 bits of advice, whilst a bit obscure, helpful, so I thought I’d share them with you:

1. Watch TV with them

It can be so easy to let the kids watch TV whilst I get a bit of a lie in, or make the dinner, or catch up on Facebook. The problem is, you don’t always know what they are watching. Watching Frozen the other day was interesting – why do the girls have tiny waists and huge eyes? What is this magical curse that Elsa can’t control?

Watching with kids is a great way of both seeing what they are watching, but also talking with them about it. Leaving them to watch alone when we don’t know what’s on means we leave our kids to the worldview and even mercy of programmers and filmmakers – and why would I trust them an inch?

2. Sponsor a child

We have started to sponsor a little girl from a war-torn African country who is the same age as my daughter. As well as really helping this girl, it is just a great way to teach our kids. It makes poverty personal. It exposes my kids to need. We plan to eat like she does at least once a month to empathise more with her. We can write to her – the kids love it!

 Most of all it opens my kids eyes to what God is doing in the world and shows that, just like with throwing those starfish back in the sea, they can make a difference. You can sponsor a child at http://www.micahscall.org.uk/sponsor or http://www.compassionuk.org/.

3. Do daily devotions with them

Kids are influenced by our culture every minute of every day. Fine; but rather than moan and be passive, we can actively do something about it. So why not soak them in the Bible while they’re your kids in your house? In other religions a high value is placed on gathering around a holy book and explaining teachings. The Bible commands us parents in Deuteronomy 6:7 to teach God’s law to our children diligently. How many of us actually do this? 

Most parents seem to take the view that sitting children down for 5 minutes is too much to expect. Well, as someone who works in child development I can tell in the vast majority of cases it isn’t. With some persistent training, even a 1 year old is perfectly capable of this discipline after only a few days.

There are lots of age-appropriate resources out there to help make it short, fun and beneficial (see below). Establishing a family routine helps, be it after dinner or after breakfast – whenever suits you best.

You don’t have to do it at a table. ‘Devotions’ can be done throughout the day, interpreting life as you experience it and discussing topics as they come up and applying biblical truth to them.

4. Worship with them

Get your little ones used to singing/praising with you - both at home and at church. Let them know that you worship as a family. From an early age, hold them as you sing at church. Children are developmentally capable of managing 10-20 minutes of being held or standing next to you in church as you sing. Have high expectations of them and they will rise to them.

Allowing them to run off or play with toys says that what is going on isn’t for them; it says to them that they need to be entertained whilst adults get on with their business.

However child unfriendly your service is, let me encourage you, engage your children in worship. Bring instruments. Ask the service leaders to consider the age demographics of the church rather than hoping the kids will keep quiet and let the adults get on with ‘serious’ worship. 

5. Read something

Making time to read something, however brief, can be that pick-me-up when things are really tough. There's some great resources out there. Here's a summary of just a few:

For parents

Gospel-centred Family – Moll and Chester – well worth working through these short chapters

You can download these short e-books HERE which are GOLD

Family Worship by Joel Beeke 

Devotions

     Beginning with God and The Beginners Bible – fun 5 minute devotions with stickers! Great for age 1-5.

     Table Talk – very similar but for slightly older children

     Long Story Short – brilliant resource for a daily family devotion

     The Jesus Storybook Bible – we’ve only just starting using this and wish we’d started sooner. An amazing way of reading the Bible to your kids.

Memorisation

Some good resources HERE and HERE 

Some good articles:

Family Worship 101 

10 Surefire Ways to Make Your Kids Hate Family Devotions

A Quick Guide to Family Worship 

Teaching Children the Bible

What about you? Anything to add to the above or to the resource list? Have you found any of these resources helpful?

Mummy Pig or Homer Simpson: Are You a Passive or Aggressive Parent?

Passive parenting

‘I’m literally James’ taxi service’

‘I’m out every night with kids at one club or another’
‘If Rachel doesn’t like her food, I’ll often let her eat mine’

Passive parents act as if their child’s needs matter, but their needs don’t.

It can seem really kind and loving. Often these are parents who you look at and just wish you were more like them.

So what’s the problem?

We communicate to our kids that we don’t respect ourselves.

What we are saying is: ‘My own needs are not important to me, but my child’s needs are always predominant’

So why would the children value what their parent needs? And how will they learn to grow up considering other people’s needs around them?

Society is full of children bought up in supposedly respectable law-abiding families who doesn’t give a monkeys about the impact of their actions on others.

And they have learnt this primarily in their own homes, where well-intentioned ‘nice’ parents have, by being a passive parent, produced children who cannot appreciate let alone care about the needs of others.

 

Aggressive parenting

‘Shut up Peter, you’re giving me a headache’

‘I don’t care if your leg hurts, just get on with it’
‘I’m too tired to play with you Stephen, just leave me alone’

Aggressive parents acts as if their needs matter, but their child’s needs don’t.

These parents are often seen as the ‘disciplinarians’.

We may even admire these parents for their meek children, for the order in their house or their exemplary table manners.

But in these families kids need to keep a safe distance from them or something is going to blow. One step out of line and the child gets zapped.

What’s the problem?

We communicate to our kids that we don't respect others. 

What these parents are saying is: ‘My own needs are of primary importance and will almost always come above that of my child. It may be the type of food we eat, the time we go to bed or the fact that they get the brunt of my bad mood at the end of the day’.

Children with these parents learn that if someone comes along who is bigger and louder and more powerful than they are, then they will lose.

These children need to know that their needs do matter, because otherwise they will learn that when they can dominate someone else (i.e. who is smaller and quieter and less powerful than they are), then they will win.

 

Dog eat dog.

Look after number 1.

And so the cycle repeats.

 

 

Nice company

So where’s the balance?

How do you teach kids these seemingly contradictory truths?

 

Well, post after post and book after book have attempted to answer that question. Perhaps the best advice I've seen is to simply recognise which extreme you tend towards.

But here’s one idea.

'Be nice company'

If your child kicks off at family mealtime, rather than leaving the table to sit with them, or having a shouting match before they go to their room, control can be given to that child to take responsibility for his or her own behaviour.

You might say something like this: ‘I’m sorry to see you are upset. If you’re going to be nice company you are welcome to stay at this table and eat with us, but if you’re not going to be nice company you need to go to your room as your screaming is hurting mummy’s ears’.

In this way the child is given a clear choice, and they learn to take control of their actions.

Their needs are acknowledged as they are sympathised with and are not shouted at

They have the option to express their anger and frustration in their rooms.

They are taught that their actions and reactions impact other people.

They thus learn to set limits on their relationships and to respect others

 

What do you think? Do you agree? Are there other ways you have come across to avoid the above extremes?

 

Who comes first - your kids or your spouse?

In my work I see a lot of parents and their children. A common refrain runs something like this:

 “Of course, the kids come first. I’ll do anything for them”

 Or

 “I love her (the child) more than anyone, she is my priority”

 

Now these comments express noble sentiments. Children are ultimately dependent on their parents. They need us. Surely they should take priority?

Parents are told all the time, mums in particular, that being a good parent means sacrificing everything for the good of the children – every last penny to fund Michael’s school trips, every last minute to ferry Olivia to her 4 weekly clubs, every last ounce of energy, all so that they can be happy.

But what if this is a load of baloney? What if this attitude actually damages marriages and even our children?

This week I’ve been reading a book by Timothy Keller called ‘The Meaning of Marriage’. In it he says this:

“If your spouse does not feel that you are putting him or her first…your marriage is dying…Your marriage must be more important than anything else. No other human being should get more of your love, energy, industry, and commitment than your spouse”.

He goes on to say that marriages split up because of all sorts of things. But at the heart of it, they split up because good things become more engrossing and important than your spouse. When your spouse comes second to career, or parents, or friends, or even children, then your marriage is in trouble. You will become roommates, ships passing in the night.

I don’t know about you, but time and again I see relationships struggle because children are prioritised above the husband-wife relationship. 

The husband who resents the fact that his wife always seems to be running around after the children, who get all the attention and physical affection. All the money goes on them. All the talk on Facebook is about them.

The wife may resent how the husband gives all his spare attention to the kids and doesn’t ask her how she is. He doesn’t look at her like he used to. He doesn’t have energy for sex.

 

So why prioritise your spouse above your kids?

 

When we prioritise our spouse…

·        We are modelling a healthy marriage relationship as God intended: a foundation on which children can build their lives. They will learn about love, confession, forgiveness, accountability, responsibility, and honesty. My kids love it when I am affectionate with my wife; something almost explodes inside them. It is good for them to know that she is first.

When we prioritise our children:

·        We raise children who think they are the centre of the universe, who will turn into adults who think they are the centre of the universe.

·        We risk seeking to fulfil our primary need for love and affection through our relationship with them. We then have high expectations of them loving us reciprocally. If the kids don’t love us back e.g. by behaving properly, then the parent can explode. But a child can’t be expected to give you the friendship and love that a spouse can.

·        Then when the kids leave, you risk having nothing left in your marriage. When my kids leave home I won’t want to sit in a quiet house with a wife who is now a stranger because we have quietly drifted apart over the years.

 

What does prioritising your spouse look like?

 

It’s usually little things that are really easy to do:

 

·        The children do not sleep in your bed at night

·        You have at least one evening a week ‘mummy and daddy time’ where you don’t talk about the children

·        You prioritise even a few minutes after dinner ‘sofa time’  when the two of you can sit down and just catch up – the kids will soon learn that mummy and daddy time is important.

·        You seek to spend some time away together e.g. a weekend a year to recharge, evaluate your marriage and family life and have some fun

·        Always greet your spouse first when you come home. Make a point of going to him/her first before the children

·        Endeavour to show affection in front of your kids. Ok, not too much or that would be weird. Perhaps start with telling your spouse ‘I love you’ in front of the kids.

·        Bring him/her coffee in bed in the morning even when the kids are up and about

·        Make your bedroom a ‘no kids’ zone

I still remember my dad greeting my mum before us when he came through the door. He’d give my mum a cuddle and a kiss and tell her every day that he loved her. We’d wait for him to sit and eat dinner. They modelled a marriage that I wanted to emulate. My dad taught me that his wife was the most important thing in my life – yes he loved me, but he loved my mum the most. That is now a foundation in my own marriage.

 

That is what I needed the most.

“The most important thing you can pass on to your children might be not be what you give them, but the marriage you show them” (Timothy Keller)

3 reasons why you shouldn't teach children to be GOOD

‘He’s the devil himself’ said the mum leaning across my desk, gesturing to her 3 year old son across the room.

I take a deep breath. Just another day at work in my paediatric clinic.

Later on I get home to my family. ‘Have you been a good girl’ my friend asks my 4 year old daughter? ‘No’ she replies assertively.  

The desire to bring up a ‘good’ child in our society is huge; we feel pressure from ourselves but also from those who observe us at the school gate, at church and at toddler groups.

But maybe we need to stop and ask what drives our desire to have ‘good children’?

Of course we want to bring up well-adjusted children who contribute positively to the world. We want them to enjoy life and for life to work well for them.

So what are the problems with wanting a ‘good child’? Here are 3 of many:

 

 

1) We can forget they are just children

What passes for naughty behaviour can sometimes be childish immaturity. We need to distinguish when a child is being defiant and when he is being childish and simply needs someone to teach him a better way of doing something.

2) We risk creating mini-legalists

Legalistic children look great on the outside – they obey the rules and seem to do well in life, but they can have little understanding of how God thinks of them. This is subtle but potentially more damaging than overt violence or delinquency.

 

The Bible tells us that there is no-one good except God and that in and of ourselves we cannot please him in any way. Jesus met a rich man who called him ‘good teacher’. Jesus replied “Why do you call me good? No one is good except God alone”. This rich man was actually pretty good. He had kept all the 10 commandments. And yet it wasn’t enough; he wasn’t ready to give up on his own resources, his own attempts at goodness and truly follow God.

As a child and then a teenager I could still hear a voice in my head saying ‘be good John’ and me thinking ‘I can’t, I just keep failing’. Realising that God accepts me and loves me in my badness changed my life.

3) It reveals our insecurities

In church settings there’s a pressure to have children who are good, who are seen to obey when the parent speaks. When my child whacks another one in the face it can be so embarrassing.  First I’m angry at my child. “How dare they”! But then I wonder what others will think – “he can’t control his child, he’s weak as a parent, what’s he teaching them at home”? It’s humiliating. It’s even worse when they’ve been wrongly accused. “My child! She’d never do that”, I think. I take it so personally.

The thing is, if I care more about what people think of me that what God thinks of me, it reveals that deep down I am not secure in God.

Here are 3 possible solutions to these problems:

1) Focus on the inside not the outside

Life isn’t about having externally good children, but about addressing their inner motives. Rather than saying ‘be good’, encourage your children to do good, for example “be kind”. We can praise them for things that they do rather than criticise them for who they are.

2) Ensure your identity and security is in God

Know that God’s opinion counts more than other people’s. Whilst important for me, my children need to know that what God thinks of me is more important than anything else; they will catch it from me. When your child is doing something wrong, look at your reactions. Ask, what is in my heart? What’s my motive for wanting him to be good? Is it selfishness? Is it lack of security? And then ask God to make you secure in Him so you don't need to fear what others think.

 

3) Model repentance to your child

Too often we tell our children to respect us, to obey us, and to grow up. But our children need to see that we get things wrong too and that we need God’s help. We need to be ready to say, even to them, “I’ve made a mistake, I’m sorry”. We can sympathise with them when they make bad choices. We can show them that even in their badness, we, and by extension, God, love them just the same.

Lead your children, especially when they aren’t being ‘good’, to Jesus, and rely on Him, the only one who is good.