In my workplace the word ‘waterbirth’ is usually preceded by an expletive. Paediatricians don’t like them. Too many babies swallow water and end up in incubators.
Of course water can greatly help with pain relief for mum and so on. And
yes most midwives sell it as ‘natural’; I was even told I was wrong to doubt
the method by our attending midwife – “it’s completely safe”.
But midwives are not there to pick up the pieces when babies get sick.
They don’t see and feel the consequences.
In my day job, I do.
And so into hospital we go for our third baby.
Yes a home birth of course was out of the question. But a waterbirth? I
was less resolute. I hadn’t even discussed any reservations I may have had with
my wife. After all…
Why should I medicalise everything when I’m there to be dad not doc?
Our friends have had waterbirths and it’s all been ok.
My wife would benefit from the pain relief, so I’d be mean to stop her.
The midwives seem so confident.
And so into the water we went.
And then it happened.
‘It’ was born. And ‘it’ was a boy! But he looked bluer than I’d expect.
And his breathing was more rattly than I’d anticipate. And as time went on his
breathing got faster. And faster. And faster.
My colleague came to see him. She wanted to take him away. I tried to
suggest that he was just tired from being passed around. She disagreed. Being
more senior than her I was tempted to overrule her. Surely he can’t have an
infection!
And then I saw it - the chest x-ray – and it looked pretty horrible.
He’d aspirated some water onto his lungs!
I sensed a hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach.
Which didn’t go away while he was being jabbed several times.
Or while his stomach was upset from the antibiotics.
And that’s just here and now. What about the long-term effects
on a baby’s lungs from early pneumonia and on his gut from the antibiotic
course?
I could have prevented it.
I feel so stupid.
So….guilty.
Dealing with Guilt
So how do you deal with guilt?
How do you deal with the feeling that you could have prevented harm to
your child?
Well of course my guilt might be false guilt – that actually I haven’t
made a mistake and shouldn’t blame myself. And that may be a valid argument
here for the reasons I mention above.
But what if the guilt is real? The kind of guilt that so many people
live with?
Bad decisions.
Neglect.
A moment of madness when someone strikes their child.
Or a child that has been injured - or even more terribly, died - on
their watch.
And you feel like it is all your fault.
How do you live with that?
It can be paralysing. It can haunt people for the rest of their lives.
For some the self-loathing goes so deep that they harm or even commit
suicide.
Because they can’t forgive themselves.
For sure, my situation is not anyway near as bad as that. But the
issues is still there.
And you know what, it was here that I was reminded of the uniqueness of
the Christian faith.
Not a faith that tells me that I’m not responsible for
anything, or to blame someone else.
Not a faith that tells me maybe it was ‘fate’
that I cannot control.
Not a faith that says that overall I’m a good person and
even good people make mistakes.
No.
This is a faith that tells me that there is a supreme being – God -
who is in control of every event in my life, both good and bad.
That nothing
that happens couldn’t have been prevented by Him.
That He has a purpose even in
the suffering.
A God who has been making my baby for 9 months and cares for Him
more than I do.
And God’s word, the Bible, tells me that I am guilty as charged on all
counts.
I don’t love God as I should.
I try and rule my own life.
I try to save
myself.
And I make mistake after mistake after mistake.
The good news is that I can forgive myself, because God has forgiven
me.
The good news is that on the cross Jesus died for every wrong I’ve ever
committed.
I can be free of guilt, because He who was not guilty became guilty
for me so that I can be acquitted of all charges and live a free life.
You know what? As I thought about this, as I prayed, I can say for sure
that the feelings of guilt have gone. For someone like me who finds it hard to
get out of negative thought cycles this is amazing and I thank God for that.
Well so far there’s a happy ending. He’s getting better now. And I can’t
wait for him to be home soon.
Let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience. (Hebrews 10: 22)
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