My marriage is better than yours

I remember the day our marriage was (almost) over. It was 2 years ago. Married then for 9 years, we’d got past the magic 7 years and maybe thought we were fine. But then the problems mounted, reaching their peak around the time when I broke my back.

Realising we were about to crumble was crushing.

Many people looked up to us. People would often say – ‘You’re sorted. Three kids, a nice house, a doctor and a nurse, John’s in ministry’ – the assumption being that our marriage was solid and impregnable.

How wrong they were.

This year we’ve heard of marriages at breaking point for two of our friends. And we found ourselves wondering - why they didn’t talk to us? Did they think we’d look down on them?

Until I realised, we were just the same.

When I was younger, I was left confused by the breakup of what seemed to be a stable marriage in my church. I had heard the guy speak many times, and felt I knew him well. When the marriage crumbled, I wondered why he hadn’t been more honest? I felt cheated, and vulnerable – as if no one’s marriage was safe.

Until I realised, we were just the same.

Maybe we weren't meant to be

The thing is this - when things in marriage are going badly, we tend to think ‘we’re the only ones’.

We’re the only ones who argue this much

We’re the only ones who don’t feel in love any more

We’re the only ones who don’t share similar interests

...perhaps we weren’t meant to be after all.

And we look around at these happy, stable marriages…and it makes us feel worse. And so we say nothing, fearing the shame of being the odd ones out. Until it’s too late.

A confession

Equally, when marriage is going well, do you ever tend to look at other couples and rejoice in their imperfect relationship? I confess, I sometimes do. It makes me feel better.

At least we don’t argue that much

At least we’re still in love after 11 years

At least we get on well

This comparison game is dangerous. And it’s all based on a lack of genuine friendship and transparency which is devastating for many marriages today.

There is hope

In our darkest times I am (at least now) so grateful to the two people who stepped in and asked us how we really were. People who risked their relationship with us and loved us enough to ask that difficult question; but more than that, let us into their lives too to show us that there is hope.

I’m not saying all marriages are difficult – certainly some are more so than others. But when it's difficult, did you just get it wrong? How do you know you are married to the right person? It's simple really - just look at your marriage certificate! Many of the ‘best’ marriages are carved out of years of struggle and difference between two unlike people!

I’m not saying that it’s easy. A few years of pastoral ministry and working as we do in healthcare means we understand the devastation of relationships damaged over years. It doesn’t mean an easy fix. Our healing is ongoing too. And yet I would say to you this – don’t live in isolation. Invite people to ask you difficult questions. Seek help early. Don’t feel you are alone.

I’m also not saying that Christian marriages are necessarily ‘better’. I have many friends with great marriages that are going amazingly.

What has kept us together?

Well, it’s not been based on how ‘in love’ we feel. Instead it’s because of God’s forgiveness for each of us that has given us to strength to forgive the other. Because God loves us come what may, we receive the ability to love the other – even when we are most unlovable. Because as the video below shows - this is about that.

So no, my marriage isn’t better than yours. But at least now you know that for sure!

My newborn baby is sick...and it’s all my fault

In my workplace the word ‘waterbirth’ is usually preceded by an expletive. Paediatricians don’t like them. Too many babies swallow water and end up in incubators.

Of course water can greatly help with pain relief for mum and so on. And yes most midwives sell it as ‘natural’; I was even told I was wrong to doubt the method by our attending midwife – “it’s completely safe”.

But midwives are not there to pick up the pieces when babies get sick. They don’t see and feel the consequences.

In my day job, I do.

And so into hospital we go for our third baby.

Yes a home birth of course was out of the question. But a waterbirth? I was less resolute. I hadn’t even discussed any reservations I may have had with my wife. After all…

Why should I medicalise everything when I’m there to be dad not doc?

Our friends have had waterbirths and it’s all been ok.

My wife would benefit from the pain relief, so I’d be mean to stop her.

The midwives seem so confident.

And so into the water we went.

And then it happened.

‘It’ was born. And ‘it’ was a boy! But he looked bluer than I’d expect. And his breathing was more rattly than I’d anticipate. And as time went on his breathing got faster. And faster. And faster.

My colleague came to see him. She wanted to take him away. I tried to suggest that he was just tired from being passed around. She disagreed. Being more senior than her I was tempted to overrule her. Surely he can’t have an infection!

And then I saw it - the chest x-ray – and it looked pretty horrible.

He’d aspirated some water onto his lungs!

 

I sensed a hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Which didn’t go away while he was being jabbed several times.

Or while his stomach was upset from the antibiotics.

And that’s just here and now. What about the long-term effects on a baby’s lungs from early pneumonia and on his gut from the antibiotic course?

I could have prevented it.

I feel so stupid.

So….guilty.

 

Dealing with Guilt

So how do you deal with guilt?

How do you deal with the feeling that you could have prevented harm to your child?

Well of course my guilt might be false guilt – that actually I haven’t made a mistake and shouldn’t blame myself. And that may be a valid argument here for the reasons I mention above.

But what if the guilt is real? The kind of guilt that so many people live with?

Bad decisions.

Neglect.

A moment of madness when someone strikes their child.

Or a child that has been injured - or even more terribly, died - on their watch.

And you feel like it is all your fault.

How do you live with that?

It can be paralysing. It can haunt people for the rest of their lives.

For some the self-loathing goes so deep that they harm or even commit suicide.

Because they can’t forgive themselves.

For sure, my situation is not anyway near as bad as that. But the issues is still there.

And you know what, it was here that I was reminded of the uniqueness of the Christian faith.

Not a faith that tells me that I’m not responsible for anything, or to blame someone else.

Not a faith that tells me maybe it was ‘fate’ that I cannot control.

Not a faith that says that overall I’m a good person and even good people make mistakes.

No.

 

This is a faith that tells me that there is a supreme being – God - who is in control of every event in my life, both good and bad.

That nothing that happens couldn’t have been prevented by Him.

That He has a purpose even in the suffering.

A God who has been making my baby for 9 months and cares for Him more than I do.

And God’s word, the Bible, tells me that I am guilty as charged on all counts.

I don’t love God as I should.

I try and rule my own life.

I try to save myself.

And I make mistake after mistake after mistake.

The good news is that I can forgive myself, because God has forgiven me.

The good news is that on the cross Jesus died for every wrong I’ve ever committed.

I can be free of guilt, because He who was not guilty became guilty for me so that I can be acquitted of all charges and live a free life.

You know what? As I thought about this, as I prayed, I can say for sure that the feelings of guilt have gone. For someone like me who finds it hard to get out of negative thought cycles this is amazing and I thank God for that.

Well so far there’s a happy ending. He’s getting better now. And I can’t wait for him to be home soon.

Let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience. (Hebrews 10: 22)

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Dear Grandad and Grandma…I’m not coming to your party…and it’s all your fault

 

Dear Grandad and Grandma

So, 60 years of marriage! Congratulations. What a milestone to be celebrating!

I trust you will have a great celebration this weekend surrounded by family and friends. I am sorry I’m not there to celebrate with you. I’m going to be in Burma working with some amazing young Burmese who are being trained to provide medical care to one of the most neglected people groups in the world.

And you know what… it’s all your fault!

Growing up I loved hearing about your time overseas. That you would give up security, comfort and career to live in difficult places to reach the least; and yes, I guess you missed a few family gatherings too!

As I heard about your exploits from Mum and Dad, as I looked at the wooden giraffe you bought back for me when I was just 6, a seed was planted in me which has been growing ever since. A desire to do the same, and if I am even a fraction as faithful and successful then I will be very thankful.

You know, I never knew what the word posterity meant when I read it in the Bible.

Looking at you and your family, I now understand.

5 children, 13 grandchildren, and so far 5 great-grandchildren!

And yet, your posterity goes far beyond that; that your influence in the lives of each of us goes well beyond us into our workplaces and friendships. It infuses our lives; it affects the way we teach our children. It spreads throughout our country, north and south.

 

And now I’m seeing how it spreads beyond our borders to impact people all over the world, from Scotland to Burma to New Zealand and in the future to countless places and more importantly, countless lives.

So Grandad and Grandma, this weekend I am thankful for your prayers, I am grateful for your example; and I thank God for you being in my life.

Have a great party!

Every blessing

John

photo credit: Shutterstock