I remember the day our marriage was (almost) over. It was 2 years ago.
Married then for 9 years, we’d got past the magic 7 years and maybe thought we
were fine. But then the problems mounted, reaching their peak around the time
when I broke my back.
Realising we were about to crumble was crushing.
Many people looked up to us. People would often say – ‘You’re sorted.
Three kids, a nice house, a doctor and a nurse, John’s in ministry’ – the
assumption being that our marriage was solid and impregnable.
How wrong they were.
This year we’ve heard of marriages at breaking point for two of our
friends. And we found ourselves wondering - why they didn’t talk to us? Did
they think we’d look down on them?
Until I realised, we were just the same.
When I was younger, I was left confused by the breakup of what seemed
to be a stable marriage in my church. I had heard the guy speak many times, and
felt I knew him well. When the marriage crumbled, I wondered why he hadn’t been
more honest? I felt cheated, and vulnerable – as if no one’s marriage was safe.
Until I realised, we were just the same.
Maybe we weren't meant to be
The thing is this - when things in marriage are going badly, we tend to
think ‘we’re the only ones’.
We’re the only ones who argue this much
We’re the only ones who don’t feel in love any more
We’re the only ones who don’t share similar interests
...perhaps we weren’t meant to be after all.
And we look around at these happy, stable marriages…and it makes us
feel worse. And so we say nothing, fearing the shame of being the odd ones out.
Until it’s too late.
A confession
Equally, when marriage is going well, do you ever tend to look at other
couples and rejoice in their imperfect relationship? I confess, I sometimes do.
It makes me feel better.
At least we don’t argue that much
At least we’re still in love after 11 years
At least we get on well
This comparison game is dangerous. And it’s all based on a lack of
genuine friendship and transparency which is devastating for many marriages today.
There is hope
In our darkest times I am (at least now) so grateful to the two people
who stepped in and asked us how we really were. People who risked their
relationship with us and loved us enough to ask that difficult question; but
more than that, let us into their lives too to show us that there is hope.
I’m not saying all marriages are difficult – certainly some are more so
than others. But when it's difficult, did you just get it wrong? How do you know you are married to the right person? It's simple really - just look
at your marriage certificate! Many of the ‘best’ marriages are carved out of
years of struggle and difference between two unlike people!
I’m not saying that it’s easy. A few years of pastoral ministry and
working as we do in healthcare means we understand the devastation of relationships damaged over years. It doesn’t mean an easy fix. Our healing is
ongoing too. And yet I would say to you this – don’t live in isolation. Invite
people to ask you difficult questions. Seek help early. Don’t feel you are
alone.
I’m also not saying that
Christian marriages are necessarily ‘better’. I have many friends with great
marriages that are going amazingly.
What has kept us together?
Well, it’s not been based on how ‘in love’ we feel. Instead it’s
because of God’s forgiveness for each of us that has given us to strength to
forgive the other. Because God loves us come what may, we receive the ability
to love the other – even when we are most unlovable. Because as the video below shows - this is about that.
So no, my marriage isn’t
better than yours. But at least now you know that for sure!
