My marriage is better than yours

I remember the day our marriage was (almost) over. It was 2 years ago. Married then for 9 years, we’d got past the magic 7 years and maybe thought we were fine. But then the problems mounted, reaching their peak around the time when I broke my back.

Realising we were about to crumble was crushing.

Many people looked up to us. People would often say – ‘You’re sorted. Three kids, a nice house, a doctor and a nurse, John’s in ministry’ – the assumption being that our marriage was solid and impregnable.

How wrong they were.

This year we’ve heard of marriages at breaking point for two of our friends. And we found ourselves wondering - why they didn’t talk to us? Did they think we’d look down on them?

Until I realised, we were just the same.

When I was younger, I was left confused by the breakup of what seemed to be a stable marriage in my church. I had heard the guy speak many times, and felt I knew him well. When the marriage crumbled, I wondered why he hadn’t been more honest? I felt cheated, and vulnerable – as if no one’s marriage was safe.

Until I realised, we were just the same.

Maybe we weren't meant to be

The thing is this - when things in marriage are going badly, we tend to think ‘we’re the only ones’.

We’re the only ones who argue this much

We’re the only ones who don’t feel in love any more

We’re the only ones who don’t share similar interests

...perhaps we weren’t meant to be after all.

And we look around at these happy, stable marriages…and it makes us feel worse. And so we say nothing, fearing the shame of being the odd ones out. Until it’s too late.

A confession

Equally, when marriage is going well, do you ever tend to look at other couples and rejoice in their imperfect relationship? I confess, I sometimes do. It makes me feel better.

At least we don’t argue that much

At least we’re still in love after 11 years

At least we get on well

This comparison game is dangerous. And it’s all based on a lack of genuine friendship and transparency which is devastating for many marriages today.

There is hope

In our darkest times I am (at least now) so grateful to the two people who stepped in and asked us how we really were. People who risked their relationship with us and loved us enough to ask that difficult question; but more than that, let us into their lives too to show us that there is hope.

I’m not saying all marriages are difficult – certainly some are more so than others. But when it's difficult, did you just get it wrong? How do you know you are married to the right person? It's simple really - just look at your marriage certificate! Many of the ‘best’ marriages are carved out of years of struggle and difference between two unlike people!

I’m not saying that it’s easy. A few years of pastoral ministry and working as we do in healthcare means we understand the devastation of relationships damaged over years. It doesn’t mean an easy fix. Our healing is ongoing too. And yet I would say to you this – don’t live in isolation. Invite people to ask you difficult questions. Seek help early. Don’t feel you are alone.

I’m also not saying that Christian marriages are necessarily ‘better’. I have many friends with great marriages that are going amazingly.

What has kept us together?

Well, it’s not been based on how ‘in love’ we feel. Instead it’s because of God’s forgiveness for each of us that has given us to strength to forgive the other. Because God loves us come what may, we receive the ability to love the other – even when we are most unlovable. Because as the video below shows - this is about that.

So no, my marriage isn’t better than yours. But at least now you know that for sure!

Will it be me or them?

Medicine seemed so…I don’t know…heroic.

Romantic even.

Treating sick patients, seeing them healed and eternally grateful.

That warm glow of appreciation that I could bask in for weeks. 

Yes there’s lots of exams, but the rewards would make it worth it. 

Right?

And yet time and again patients are ungrateful. And sometimes they don’t get better!

What’s more

It’s hard to be friendly with my colleagues on my 5^th night shift

It’s hard to do as my registrar asks me even though he’s really getting on my nerves

It’s hard to go the extra mile and reassure the agitated 86-year-old on Spencer Ward who everyone else is ignoring

It’s hard to treat with dignity the drunk who everyone else on my team belittles and curses, and who belittles and curses me

Outside of work,

It can be hard to get home and put my wife (who is also tired), first

It can be hard to let my children inconvenience me and play ‘My Little Pony’ rather than doing what I want to do on my day off

It can be hard to spend time with a friend who is low because you know what, I just can’t take any more…

Of course there are times to be balanced.

And yet these choices face us several times a day.

My preference or his?

My security, or hers?

My vulnerability, or theirs?

My children’s freedom, or mine?

The simple call of the Christian life is

IT’S ME OR THEM

When God killed the firstborn way back in Egypt, the choice was:

It’s the lamb or the boy.

When Abraham took Isaac to sacrifice him, the choice was:

It’s the ram or the boy.

In the garden of Gethsemane Jesus is in agony. The anticipation of what he was about to do caused his great physical and mental distress.

Will he drink the cup of punishment or will we?

Will it be him, or us?

And Jesus says – ‘Father, Your Will be done’.

‘LET IT BE ME, NOT THEM’.

Let it be me, not John.

Let it be me, not you…

That’s how much he loved us.

When we have grasped the depths of Jesus’ substitutionary sacrifice, we are empowered to do the supernatural - to truly love others.

To say:

Lord, let it be me, not him

Let it be his preference, not mine

Let it be my loss of security, not hers

Let me risk my vulnerability, not theirs

Let me lose my freedom, not my children’s

So my prayer is that I would be ready to lose

my security

my vulnerability

my time

my convenience

my energy

my professional pride

my notion of ‘what’s in it for me’

and instead be who God is calling me to be to them.

I know I fail using my own resources (I’ve tried and it doesn’t work - for long!), and I am called to imitate Christ, who at the cross most profoundly shows us the way; more than that, who enables us as we trust Him and receive His Spirit to be able to say along with him:

"Let it be me, not them"

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters,  since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving. Colossians 3:23-24

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Good advice: 4 things I learnt from a single mum with 4 kids

Are there conversations from years ago that you can recall even now?

What is it about them that makes them stand out?

15 years ago I was and about to go to medical school. One Sunday at church I was stopped by a lady. After a high flying academic career she was then bringing up 4 children under 5 by herself after losing her husband in tragic circumstances.

I remember her looking me in the eye and saying:

“John, when you go to medical school, will you commit to spending as much time studying the Bible as you do studying medicine? Your medicine is important. But being a doctor to souls will be just as important for you. Will you do that?”

I still remember it to this day. Word for word.

I confess that I didn’t do a great job. Yes I worked hard at uni, but I didn’t match it with Bible study. Or anyway near.

Perhaps the irony is that today I split my time 50:50 between my medical work and my church work – this was not pre-planned, but I know in God’s sense of humour that perhaps this was more a prophecy than simple advice!

So what has this taught me about giving advice?

1)      Speak boldly into people’s lives

I think about what this lady said to me often. I know that God was using her to speak to me about something, and it’s had a profound impact on me and the way I see life.

And we can do the same.

Do we believe that a single sentence from our mouth can change the course of history, even the course of eternity for someone we may speak to today?

That is what God’s Word does.

We must be ready to be bold. To risk rejection. To risk ‘getting it wrong’.

Because when it is right, God can use you to change someone’s story.

2)      Believe God can use you single mums

Ok, so I confess this subheading is an attention-grabber. Of course God can use us all - single, married, parents or otherwise.

The point is, you may feel that you are not much use in God’s kingdom.

Perhaps you used to feel that but now you feel you’re tied up - maybe with 4 kids, or family responsibilities, or illness. You feel out of the front line, that your day has gone. Or perhaps it’s yet to come in the first place!

But see how God used this lady in my life!? She didn’t resign herself to insignificance. She faithfully did what God gave her to do.

So trust God can use you.

He will probably use you more significantly in difficult times than when you feel you’re ideally positioned to be used!

3)      Advice: a dish best served face to face

Where do you get advice from? We seem to read or listen to hundreds of pieces of advice a day via blogs, articles, Twitter feeds, text messages or Facebook posts. But how much do we remember?

Of course, we can remember quite a bit. And of course God can speak to us via a computer.

But 15 years on I can still remember where we were and how I was feeling. I remember this lady looking me in the eye. I remember feeling a bit daunted. I can feel it, even now.

When we communicate via computers we can forget that people are spiritual beings. Consequently we can be more flippant, critical and freer with our words, not realising we are having an effect on the eternal destinies of those we communicate with.

So let me encourage you, when you have a word to speak into someone’s life, do it face to face if you can.

4)      Say thank you

At a wedding recently I saw this lady for the first time in at least 7 years.

As I told her about what I’m up to, I noted my eyes were filling with tears. I was understanding the effect of her words in my life as I spoke.

The impact she has had on me has been immeasurable. I am so thankful that she stepped out in faith and spoke those words to me all those years ago.

And I had the privilege of being able to encourage her.

With words that sum up what I still feel today:

‘Thank you’.

How about you?

What have you learnt from giving/receiving advice?

My Brother's Getting Married In the Morning

30 years ago I proudly became an older brother.

And after years of making dens, making each other laugh, camping together, sharing rooms, annoying each other…he’s about to get married to a wonderful woman!

So what do you say when someone who you have shared so much with, who you respect and admire, is about to get married?

Here are 3 things I want to say to my brother:

 

1)      Don’t stop celebrating

Tomorrow will be amazing. I can’t wait. But bro, some people will say things like ‘You’ll never have a day life it’ or ‘this will be the best day of your life’. Let me encourage you – it gets even better. Celebrate waking up in the same bed as each other. Celebrate kissing her when you get home from work. Celebrate holding her hand 10 years down the line. Celebrate birthdays, family, food, job promotions, children and life itself. As 1 Corinthians 10:31 says: ‘So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God’.

2)      Keep date night sacred

As time goes on, you will be tempted to prioritise others above yourself and above your wife. It might be ‘me time’. Or good things, like helping others. But bro, let me encourage you - make your first priority to spend time with your wife. To have fun. To dress up. To share your heart. To study her. To identify her love languages and then speak them to her.

 

Love her, even when it hurts. Pray for her daily; read the Bible with her; encourage her. And as you do this, you will present your wife spotless before Christ. This is your task and you’ve chosen to accept it.

 

3)      Teach others

I am constantly amazed at what God gave us as kids. Godly parents, opportunities, great experiences, Playstation 1 games, and times when you would laugh and laugh and laugh…at really random things! And bro, God has massively gifted you. Your heart for the poor beats strong. I admire your work with poor and oppressed children. You have vision to change the world for good.

Just by living you are a model to many. And now your opportunities are multiplied. As you have freely received, I pray that you would freely continue to give. Show people what it means to lay down your life for your wife. Serve together, minister together, and as you do so demonstrate to others the meaning of your marriage – a picture of Christ and the church.

 

So bro – congratulations! I love you. You are embarking on a journey of greater complexity and stress than ever before, and yet of great joy and reward too.

I look forward to being there with you and for you along the way.

 

 

 

I Wish I Was Mark Driscoll

I wish I was someone else.

I wish I could speak, or write.

I wish I could remember all those theological arguments.

I wish I was more hospitable.

I wish I wouldn’t get depressed.

And for me…well…I confess that I wish I was more like Mark Driscoll - great communicator, pastor, leader, has published some books, has 470k Twitter followers (as opposed to my 82!), influential, controversial and so on…

Ever think like that?

Ever look at a Christian who seems to have real purpose? A missionary doctor perhaps? A theologian? A pastor? Someone who works with the homeless most evenings? And so on.

And we wish we were just like them.

But comparisons with ‘someone else’ are dangerous. Why?

 

1) God made you, you

God could have made you to be born in another era, in another country, to another set of parents, with different gifts.

 

But he made you, well…you.

Your personality, your experiences, your heart-cry, your gifts, your family, your town, your job. These are not a mistake. God didn’t mess up when he made you; you can’t alter these things.

For example, He didn’t make me a talented communicator living in an American city. Ah ha, I say, but should I move to be a church planter in an American City? Well, it seems not.

And I simply need to ask God to help me believe that.

 

2) ‘Someone else’ has issues too

Most people we want to be like, we want to be like because they have a great life.

They don’t have to deal with my insecurities, my faults.

They probably get ‘success’ because they are a pretty sorted person.

But that just isn’t true. Lurking beneath the surface of each one of us we have issues. We don’t hear about them in most cases. But believe me, everyone does.

I’m not saying that disobedience doesn’t block opportunities – unfortunately it does. But we all start from the same position.

And were we to ‘make it big’, we wouldn’t necessarily be more satisfied anyway – there’s always someone else further up the chain than you.

 

3) You are significant

At the heart of our desire to be like someone else is a desire for significance – to be someone more influential, someone with a greater voice in our world.

I struggle with this.

In this corner of England, in Canterbury, I feel incredibly insignificant sometimes.

I want to affect the world! I have energy. I have education. I have the desire. Why am I still here? Why am I not leading a church of 15,000?

The problem is, I am looking to get my significance from achievement. When I am not achieving something I’ve decided I want to achieve (namely changing the world) I feel a real sense of deflation.

I feel insignificant.

I feel  a second class citizen in God’s Kingdom.

The root of this of course is pride - a feeling of deep pleasure or satisfaction derived from one's own achievements. And yet the Bible commands us to humility

Philippians 2:3: Don't be selfish; don't try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves.

 

This is the antidote to pride.

Because I can’t improve on God’s achievements in Jesus. God tells me, that before I do anything, I am significant in his eyes. It isn’t based on my popularity or global reach or numbers in my church.

Nothing I can do will make me any more significant, because Jesus has done it all.

Imitate others…

Examples are great. It is good to aspire to others. It helps us picture what sacrificial service looks like. It helps us see what a Christ-like person is actually like.

So yes, I can learn a lot from Mark Driscoll; I can even imitate him to some degree (and cause some controversy on the way more than likely).

…as they imitate Christ

 

But this is the key. Any imitation should be because ultimately, I wish I was more like Christ.

And I can leave the details up to Him.

 

 

Desecration and Titillation

by Tim Challies (reproduced with permission from http://www.challies.com/articles/desecration-and-titillation)

Pornography is ubiquitous today; addiction to pornography, especially among men, is equally widespread. Young men are often introduced to pornography long before they are able to understand what it is and what it means. Many a young man’s first awakening to sex and sexuality is by exposure to pornographic sex and nudity. This is sadly, increasingly, the case with women as well.

Some Christians can take a kind of refuge in the fact that so many others share in the struggle. “We are all in this together” can minimize the weight of it. Yet the ubiquity of porn and porn addiction does nothing to lessen the horror of it. I want to ask you a question. But not quite yet. Read on…

 

Desecration and Titillation

There is an inescapable consequence to the fact that human beings bear the image of God: there is nothing God values more than human beings. Bearing God’s image is an extraordinary privilege and brings with it extraordinary worth. Jesus asked, “What does it profit a man if he gains the whole world but forfeits his soul?” If you were to accumulate the wealth of Bill Gates and add to it the wealth of Solomon, you would barely be scratching the surface of the value of a soul, of a person. Wealth will fade. It will rust and decay and be lost. People are eternal. When all of that wealth is gone, the soul will live on.

God says there is nothing in all creation he values more than human beings. And if this is true, there can be nothing more abhorrent to God than the desecration of human beings. There is nothing that displays greater spite toward God than destroying what he considers most significant. As man rejects being made in God’s image, there necessarily follows a culture of death and desecration.

When you look at pornography you are watching the violation of what God considers more valuable than anything else he has created.

It is a violation of all that person is, for sex is not only skin-deep but soul-deep. You are not only watching it but enjoying it, and not only enjoying it but being titillated by it.

 

God says “I value her above all else because she is made in my image, in my likeness.” You watch her being humiliated and violated and desecrated and all the while fantasize about doing the same.

 

God says “Of all I created there is nothing with more worth and dignity,” and you delight in her desecration and indignity.

 

God says, “I hate it when her body and soul is stained” and you say, “It turns me on.”

I have an important question I want to ask you. But first I want you to consider another consequence of pornography.

 

Porn and the Portrait

There is nothing in all of creation with more value than human beings. There is no message more central than the gospel of Christ’s death and resurrection. Long before the cross, God decided that he would embed within humanity a picture, a portrait of the gospel: marriage. The great mystery of marriage, a mystery that could be revealed only after the cross, is that marriage has always been and will always be about the gospel. The relationship of a husband and wife is to be a constant pointer to the relationship of Christ and his church.

Sex is inextricably bound to marriage. The only right expression of sex is within marriage, for only then can the sexual relationship point us to the intimate love of Christ for his people. Sex outside of marriage tells lies about Christ, it tells lies about the church, and makes a complete mockery of the gospel. To tamper with sex is to tamper with the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ.

When you look at pornography you are participating in this mocking of the gospel. 

You are watching the violation of the gospel, you are enjoying the violation of the gospel, you are being aroused by it. God says, “I have given you this great picture of Christ and the church” and you watch that portrait be defaced and violated and mocked, and you enjoy it all the while. God says, “The purity of the sexual relationship points you to the purity of the love the Saviour has for you.” And you say, “Right now I need a different kind of salvation from a different saviour. A more satisfying kind, and one Christ did not supply at the cross. I need salvation only this god can provide.”

The Question

Pornography desecrates the one thing in all of creation that God values above all; pornography makes a mockery of that great portrait God has given us of Christ’s faithful, compassionate love. And you who claim to love this God and who profess faith in this Savior, enjoy it, dedicate yourself to it, are titillated by it.

God wants you to know that there is forgiveness, that the same gospel you have mocked offers you forgiveness even for so grave a sin.

But I think God wants you to consider something else. He wants you to consider a warning:

No one who abides in him keeps on sinning; no one who keeps on sinning has either seen him or known him. … Whoever makes a practice of sinning is of the devil, for the devil has been sinning from the beginning. The reason the Son of God appeared was to destroy the works of the devil. No one born of God makes a practice of sinning, for God’s seed abides in him, and he cannot keep on sinning because he has been born of God. No one who abides in him keeps on sinning; no one who keeps on sinning has either seen him or known him (1 John 3:6,8-10).

Here is what I want to ask you: Do you love pornography enough to go to hell for it?

 

 

 

Who comes first - your kids or your spouse?

In my work I see a lot of parents and their children. A common refrain runs something like this:

 “Of course, the kids come first. I’ll do anything for them”

 Or

 “I love her (the child) more than anyone, she is my priority”

 

Now these comments express noble sentiments. Children are ultimately dependent on their parents. They need us. Surely they should take priority?

Parents are told all the time, mums in particular, that being a good parent means sacrificing everything for the good of the children – every last penny to fund Michael’s school trips, every last minute to ferry Olivia to her 4 weekly clubs, every last ounce of energy, all so that they can be happy.

But what if this is a load of baloney? What if this attitude actually damages marriages and even our children?

This week I’ve been reading a book by Timothy Keller called ‘The Meaning of Marriage’. In it he says this:

“If your spouse does not feel that you are putting him or her first…your marriage is dying…Your marriage must be more important than anything else. No other human being should get more of your love, energy, industry, and commitment than your spouse”.

He goes on to say that marriages split up because of all sorts of things. But at the heart of it, they split up because good things become more engrossing and important than your spouse. When your spouse comes second to career, or parents, or friends, or even children, then your marriage is in trouble. You will become roommates, ships passing in the night.

I don’t know about you, but time and again I see relationships struggle because children are prioritised above the husband-wife relationship. 

The husband who resents the fact that his wife always seems to be running around after the children, who get all the attention and physical affection. All the money goes on them. All the talk on Facebook is about them.

The wife may resent how the husband gives all his spare attention to the kids and doesn’t ask her how she is. He doesn’t look at her like he used to. He doesn’t have energy for sex.

 

So why prioritise your spouse above your kids?

 

When we prioritise our spouse…

·        We are modelling a healthy marriage relationship as God intended: a foundation on which children can build their lives. They will learn about love, confession, forgiveness, accountability, responsibility, and honesty. My kids love it when I am affectionate with my wife; something almost explodes inside them. It is good for them to know that she is first.

When we prioritise our children:

·        We raise children who think they are the centre of the universe, who will turn into adults who think they are the centre of the universe.

·        We risk seeking to fulfil our primary need for love and affection through our relationship with them. We then have high expectations of them loving us reciprocally. If the kids don’t love us back e.g. by behaving properly, then the parent can explode. But a child can’t be expected to give you the friendship and love that a spouse can.

·        Then when the kids leave, you risk having nothing left in your marriage. When my kids leave home I won’t want to sit in a quiet house with a wife who is now a stranger because we have quietly drifted apart over the years.

 

What does prioritising your spouse look like?

 

It’s usually little things that are really easy to do:

 

·        The children do not sleep in your bed at night

·        You have at least one evening a week ‘mummy and daddy time’ where you don’t talk about the children

·        You prioritise even a few minutes after dinner ‘sofa time’  when the two of you can sit down and just catch up – the kids will soon learn that mummy and daddy time is important.

·        You seek to spend some time away together e.g. a weekend a year to recharge, evaluate your marriage and family life and have some fun

·        Always greet your spouse first when you come home. Make a point of going to him/her first before the children

·        Endeavour to show affection in front of your kids. Ok, not too much or that would be weird. Perhaps start with telling your spouse ‘I love you’ in front of the kids.

·        Bring him/her coffee in bed in the morning even when the kids are up and about

·        Make your bedroom a ‘no kids’ zone

I still remember my dad greeting my mum before us when he came through the door. He’d give my mum a cuddle and a kiss and tell her every day that he loved her. We’d wait for him to sit and eat dinner. They modelled a marriage that I wanted to emulate. My dad taught me that his wife was the most important thing in my life – yes he loved me, but he loved my mum the most. That is now a foundation in my own marriage.

 

That is what I needed the most.

“The most important thing you can pass on to your children might be not be what you give them, but the marriage you show them” (Timothy Keller)