I Wish She Would Respect Me More

 

Back then you just knew it. She looked at you so admiringly; she appreciated your gifts and laughed at your jokes. The man she always dreamed of; handsome (of course), strong, determined, and promising a great future together. She respected you. And you loved it.

Fast-forward a few years and I meet so many men who feel that their wives no longer respect them like they once did. Many couples wonder where all the love has gone. ‘It used to be so good’! ‘We had so much fun. Then kids came along, work got busy, and we just stopped loving each other’. Or maybe something like ‘he can’t stop looking at porn and I feel like second or even tenth best all the time’.

At the heart of it, men want to be respected and women long to be loved. As Paul says in Ephesians 5:33, ‘Husbands love your wives as yourself and (wives) respect (your) husbands’.

There is no mistake here. This is how God created it.

The chances are if you don’t feel respected then your wife doesn’t feel loved.

When your eyes aren’t for her only she can’t trust you.

When you put your needs and wants above hers she sees that you love yourself more than her.
When you fail to stand up to threats to her and your family she feels vulnerable and retreats.

Respect can soon diminish, and the frustrated husband quickly finds his love for his wife dims.

And then the lines come tripping out: ‘oh, we just drifted apart’; ‘we fell out of love’; ‘we’re not compatible any more’. And marriages split. And worlds are turned upside down.

 
3 typical male responses to feeling disrespected

1)      You dig your heels in

‘It’s her fault. She should say sorry first. She should respect me; look at the hours I put in at work, look at the house I’ve paid for. I demand respect’! And you wait for her to initiate the process. And you wait, and wait, and wait…

Of course, this doesn’t get us anywhere. Even if your wife does initiate a reconciliation you haven’t exactly gone up in her estimation. And anyway, we weren’t designed that way.

 

2)      You bury your head in the sand

Pretend it isn’t happening. Buy her flowers and chocolates. Have some good times, take her out, but gloss over the real problem.

 

3)      You repeatedly apologise for your incompetence

Now this is perhaps a start. But if you spend every week confessing your shortcomings and asking her forgiveness and go no further, she will quickly (and justifiably) get frustrated with you.

 

So what should you do about it? - 5 ideas

The Bible is clear – if you are a man, you need to man up. God calls husbands to lead their wives. When Eve took the fruit and gave it to Adam to taste, he caved in. And then when God came looking for them he addressed Adam first; “Adam, where are you”?

Throughout scripture God addresses men first when it comes to the marriage relationship. Take Ephesians 5:25-30:

“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendour, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.  For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body”.

If you are feeling disrespected then the onus is on you to initiate change. Rather than wait for her to start respecting you, here are 5 steps you can take to love your wife. Whether or not she respects you afterwards is up to her.

1) Protect her

Physically, put yourself in the way of danger. Even if your wife is bigger and stronger than you, lay it down for her. It’s the right thing to do. Fight her corner if she’s being exploited. Don’t let her fight on all fronts herself. Offer your support – she may well turn you down but offer it nonetheless.

Spiritually, do whatever it takes to protect her. This is what Christ did for His bride, the church. Look first at protecting yourself. If you don’t love yourself, you will not love your wife. Your wife knows this, and feels vulnerable every time you compromise. However when she knows you are right with God she can rely on you. It is irrelevant what your excuses are. Just stop. Protect your mind. And in doing so you will protect her.

Then, protect your family and home from threatening people and influences. Be aware who your kids are inviting over and where they go to play after school. Pay an interest in what they watch and read. Pray for protection for them and your wife.

Your wife doesn’t want to feel vulnerable. She will know your love if you take protecting her seriously.

 

2) Provide for her

There is something in the DNA of a man to provide for his family – if you are physically able to do so, then step up and do it. Take the initiative. Don’t let it fall on her shoulders.

Spiritually, provide for yourself. Read and pray, be close to God – this is the greatest thing you can provide your wife with. Then you have food with which to feed her and your family.

Read the Word to her.  Initiate family devotions. If you haven’t done so before ask friends for resources and ideas. Announce to your family that a new day has dawned when you will meet together daily (in our house it’s after dinner in the evening). Insist on this family time. Plan these times in advance. Then lead your family to God.

 

3) Prioritise and pursue her

Put her first. Always. When you do this she sees that you love her. This may be difficult on some (or many) days. But it is a way of honouring her.

Offer to babysit to let her get out. Give her a lie-in. Prioritise her having a quiet time over your own. Go to bed a bit earlier so you can read a Bible verse to her and pray for her even if she doesn’t welcome it at first. Be persistent.

Pursue her. Woo her again. Go on a date. Do something fun with her rather than your friends. Prioritise and cherish her above all others.

 

4) Praise her

 

If you don’t praise her, someone else will. That’s a fact. So be jealous over her.

 

Women long to be praised, loved, admired, cherished. They want to be someone’s princess. Too often we husbands don’t do this, and we wonder why our wives go on about their dads, or why that helpful guy at the supermarket the other day made her heart flutter.

If you’re having a hard time thinking of something to praise her with, write a list. I recently wrote down 50 things I love about my wife. It’s there in our room, she can glance at it when I’m out, it’s a permanent reminder that I praise and appreciate her.

5) Pray for her

You may do all the above and because of the damage in your marriage, still find yourself struggling.

Take heart. Respect takes years to develop and moments to destroy. You may need to go through some tough times, confessing where you have not lived up to this, asking her forgiveness. Give her time and be sensitive – these wounds often go deep.

Forgiveness is a supernatural gift that only God can give her.

Pray that she will have the strength to forgive you, and to forgive her too for the way she has reacted to you (because I’m not assuming that your wife is perfect!).

Pray that God would heal her.
Pray that she would come to God and find her identity and wholeness in Him.
Pray that God will restore your marriage and that your love and respect for each other would grow and grow.

 

Fight, not for respect, but for faith

So, if you’re not feeling respected, I’m not about to put my arm around you and say ‘there there’.

Instead I say, Man up! Stop putting your wife in the firing line. Lead your wife and your family. Protect her, provide for her, prioritise her, praise her and pray for her. Don’t be fatalistic, don’t be stubborn, don’t bury your head in the sand.  

It is sacrificial. It is hard. You may say ‘but you don’t know my circumstances’. It doesn’t matter. We are all called to this. We need to work at it together. Gather with other men to fight alongside you. Be honest, ask for their help.

Don’t give up when you don’t feel respected. It is your cue to repent. Fight to trust in Christ, to believe that restoration and a new day is possible.

 

                      I’ve been there.

                                                   And trust me, it's worth the fight