Who comes first - your kids or your spouse?

In my work I see a lot of parents and their children. A common refrain runs something like this:

 “Of course, the kids come first. I’ll do anything for them”

 Or

 “I love her (the child) more than anyone, she is my priority”

 

Now these comments express noble sentiments. Children are ultimately dependent on their parents. They need us. Surely they should take priority?

Parents are told all the time, mums in particular, that being a good parent means sacrificing everything for the good of the children – every last penny to fund Michael’s school trips, every last minute to ferry Olivia to her 4 weekly clubs, every last ounce of energy, all so that they can be happy.

But what if this is a load of baloney? What if this attitude actually damages marriages and even our children?

This week I’ve been reading a book by Timothy Keller called ‘The Meaning of Marriage’. In it he says this:

“If your spouse does not feel that you are putting him or her first…your marriage is dying…Your marriage must be more important than anything else. No other human being should get more of your love, energy, industry, and commitment than your spouse”.

He goes on to say that marriages split up because of all sorts of things. But at the heart of it, they split up because good things become more engrossing and important than your spouse. When your spouse comes second to career, or parents, or friends, or even children, then your marriage is in trouble. You will become roommates, ships passing in the night.

I don’t know about you, but time and again I see relationships struggle because children are prioritised above the husband-wife relationship. 

The husband who resents the fact that his wife always seems to be running around after the children, who get all the attention and physical affection. All the money goes on them. All the talk on Facebook is about them.

The wife may resent how the husband gives all his spare attention to the kids and doesn’t ask her how she is. He doesn’t look at her like he used to. He doesn’t have energy for sex.

 

So why prioritise your spouse above your kids?

 

When we prioritise our spouse…

·        We are modelling a healthy marriage relationship as God intended: a foundation on which children can build their lives. They will learn about love, confession, forgiveness, accountability, responsibility, and honesty. My kids love it when I am affectionate with my wife; something almost explodes inside them. It is good for them to know that she is first.

When we prioritise our children:

·        We raise children who think they are the centre of the universe, who will turn into adults who think they are the centre of the universe.

·        We risk seeking to fulfil our primary need for love and affection through our relationship with them. We then have high expectations of them loving us reciprocally. If the kids don’t love us back e.g. by behaving properly, then the parent can explode. But a child can’t be expected to give you the friendship and love that a spouse can.

·        Then when the kids leave, you risk having nothing left in your marriage. When my kids leave home I won’t want to sit in a quiet house with a wife who is now a stranger because we have quietly drifted apart over the years.

 

What does prioritising your spouse look like?

 

It’s usually little things that are really easy to do:

 

·        The children do not sleep in your bed at night

·        You have at least one evening a week ‘mummy and daddy time’ where you don’t talk about the children

·        You prioritise even a few minutes after dinner ‘sofa time’  when the two of you can sit down and just catch up – the kids will soon learn that mummy and daddy time is important.

·        You seek to spend some time away together e.g. a weekend a year to recharge, evaluate your marriage and family life and have some fun

·        Always greet your spouse first when you come home. Make a point of going to him/her first before the children

·        Endeavour to show affection in front of your kids. Ok, not too much or that would be weird. Perhaps start with telling your spouse ‘I love you’ in front of the kids.

·        Bring him/her coffee in bed in the morning even when the kids are up and about

·        Make your bedroom a ‘no kids’ zone

I still remember my dad greeting my mum before us when he came through the door. He’d give my mum a cuddle and a kiss and tell her every day that he loved her. We’d wait for him to sit and eat dinner. They modelled a marriage that I wanted to emulate. My dad taught me that his wife was the most important thing in my life – yes he loved me, but he loved my mum the most. That is now a foundation in my own marriage.

 

That is what I needed the most.

“The most important thing you can pass on to your children might be not be what you give them, but the marriage you show them” (Timothy Keller)