WHEN CHRISTIANS LIE TO EACH OTHER

‘Loved the sermon’

‘You’re such a great singer’

‘You were born to do children’s work’

‘You want to do cross-cultural mission? That’s amazing!’

My first sermon was an absolute wreck – but it has taken me years to drag it out of someone that that was the case. How I wish they’d told me…

 

I wonder how many people are going around believing they are a born preacher, or born worship leader, or born sound technician….and all the while people are too scared to tell them the truth?

 

How many of you have pursued something for years when finally someone has told you that you should do something else?

Why do we lie to each other (and yes, not saying something is just as bad)?

 

Perhaps it’s because Christians are too ‘nice’

We’re not brought up to be cutthroat. We like to give people opportunities (and rightly so). We want to be encouragers. We take seriously warnings to make sure we live in unity, that we speak in love to one another,

 

Perhaps it’s because Christians are scared

Scared that we’ll damage someone, that we’ll scar someone for life. This is probably because we haven’t got a relationship with that person which gives us permission to speak into their life.

 

But you know what I think is the real reason?

 

We’ve sold out to a church culture rather than scriptural truth. We’ve fallen into a cultural trap where we only say what we really think behind people’s backs. And worst of all, we choose to misinterpret the Bible to support our mistaken view.

But since when does unity mean that we only say nice things to one another?

Since when does speaking in love mean flattery or giving selective feedback? Isn’t love more than making someone feel good about themselves?
Since when does thinking of others as better than myself mean we won’t give ‘negative’ feedback?

 

What's the result?

MANY people are stuck wondering what they are good at. They are confused about what their gifts are. They have received either mixed messages, or told they are gifted in an area when they perhaps know deep inside they are not.

Deep down people are looking for guidance. And God has put us in community so that we can do this. Not so that we confuse each other more.

I’m convinced we wouldn’t need so many spiritual gift questionnaires if we only tried stuff and were then honest – honest with ourselves, and honest with others.

 

So how are we to speak truth to one another?

 

1) Gain permission

Care about that person. Spend some time with them. Get to know them. If the only thing you say to them that week is to cast doubt on their life-long calling you will not gain a favourable response. But when you’ve spent time with them, observed them, shared life with them, encouraged them – then you are in a better position to challenge.

 

2) When you take something away, put something back in

Feedback should never be ‘negative’. If we feel something has not gone as well as it could, be ready to say what did go well or what other options that person could pursue.

3)  Speak the truth in love

If we really love the person we will speak truth to them. But we will do so in love, with their best interests at heart. This will mean we do so. It will not be public, rash, thoughtless or unkind, but in privacy, after due thought, respectfully and gently.

4) Don’t surround yourself with people who say what you want to hear

If everyone you ask for counsel says nice things about you, you probably aren’t asking the right people. Make sure that at least one person in your inner circle is giving you balanced feedback.

 

They will make you uncomfortable. They will sometimes upset you. But they are invaluable to you.

So as a Christian who believes that God speaks to me through others, please give me constructive feedback. Speak to me carefully and gently. Don’t destroy me.

But please, don’t lie to me.