Mummy Pig or Homer Simpson: Are You a Passive or Aggressive Parent?

Passive parenting

‘I’m literally James’ taxi service’

‘I’m out every night with kids at one club or another’
‘If Rachel doesn’t like her food, I’ll often let her eat mine’

Passive parents act as if their child’s needs matter, but their needs don’t.

It can seem really kind and loving. Often these are parents who you look at and just wish you were more like them.

So what’s the problem?

We communicate to our kids that we don’t respect ourselves.

What we are saying is: ‘My own needs are not important to me, but my child’s needs are always predominant’

So why would the children value what their parent needs? And how will they learn to grow up considering other people’s needs around them?

Society is full of children bought up in supposedly respectable law-abiding families who doesn’t give a monkeys about the impact of their actions on others.

And they have learnt this primarily in their own homes, where well-intentioned ‘nice’ parents have, by being a passive parent, produced children who cannot appreciate let alone care about the needs of others.

 

Aggressive parenting

‘Shut up Peter, you’re giving me a headache’

‘I don’t care if your leg hurts, just get on with it’
‘I’m too tired to play with you Stephen, just leave me alone’

Aggressive parents acts as if their needs matter, but their child’s needs don’t.

These parents are often seen as the ‘disciplinarians’.

We may even admire these parents for their meek children, for the order in their house or their exemplary table manners.

But in these families kids need to keep a safe distance from them or something is going to blow. One step out of line and the child gets zapped.

What’s the problem?

We communicate to our kids that we don't respect others. 

What these parents are saying is: ‘My own needs are of primary importance and will almost always come above that of my child. It may be the type of food we eat, the time we go to bed or the fact that they get the brunt of my bad mood at the end of the day’.

Children with these parents learn that if someone comes along who is bigger and louder and more powerful than they are, then they will lose.

These children need to know that their needs do matter, because otherwise they will learn that when they can dominate someone else (i.e. who is smaller and quieter and less powerful than they are), then they will win.

 

Dog eat dog.

Look after number 1.

And so the cycle repeats.

 

 

Nice company

So where’s the balance?

How do you teach kids these seemingly contradictory truths?

 

Well, post after post and book after book have attempted to answer that question. Perhaps the best advice I've seen is to simply recognise which extreme you tend towards.

But here’s one idea.

'Be nice company'

If your child kicks off at family mealtime, rather than leaving the table to sit with them, or having a shouting match before they go to their room, control can be given to that child to take responsibility for his or her own behaviour.

You might say something like this: ‘I’m sorry to see you are upset. If you’re going to be nice company you are welcome to stay at this table and eat with us, but if you’re not going to be nice company you need to go to your room as your screaming is hurting mummy’s ears’.

In this way the child is given a clear choice, and they learn to take control of their actions.

Their needs are acknowledged as they are sympathised with and are not shouted at

They have the option to express their anger and frustration in their rooms.

They are taught that their actions and reactions impact other people.

They thus learn to set limits on their relationships and to respect others

 

What do you think? Do you agree? Are there other ways you have come across to avoid the above extremes?